12. I cannot hold staff meetings in World of Warcraft, no matter how much I need lootz.

Also, WoW is not a "team building exercise."

11. If a computer is smoking, I am not to recommend that it use the patch.

A small computer fire after an electrical problem was taken far too seriously.

10. Not allowed to yell "The power of Christ compels you" when restarting computers.

Even if some of these computers are possessed by an unholy evil.  Or used by them.

9. Cannot start a flame war with Fire Department website.

Those fire jockeys have their day coming.  Plus, I just thought it was funny.

8. We discard old computers, we do not "go all Gallagher" on them

This was mostly wishful thinking that a patron misheard.

7. Broken links cannot be fixed with super glue.

Another technology snark that I throughout that ended with a laptop screen being glued to a keyboard.

6. Female patrons and staff do not have to blow on Google's "I'm Feeling Lucky" button.

I was joking with another good-natured librarian about this when a patron over heard us and complained.

5. Google's new browser after 'Chrome' is not 'Spinners'

A patron asked what I thought Google's next move would be to take over the world.  I told him I did not know but that I had a few ideas about their new product.

4. I am not allowed to set passwords that may or may not summon "The Elder Gods"

Have you seen some of the words Lovecraft used in those stories?  They make for perfect nonsense passwords.

3. "Talk Like a Pirate Day" does not include sharing torrent files.

Piracy is a serious problem for American film and music stars.  Remember, the next time you download something from the Internet, Metallica might die.

2. Vicks Vapor Rub is not adequate virus protection.

So I smeared some cream on a computer?  I did not know it was a crime.

1. My best HAL 9000 Impression

The other day, one of the librarians asked me what was wrong with her computer.  I looked at the sad machine displaying the BSOD and began singing "Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer dooooo" while getting slower and slower.  He was not happy, although I thought the impression of HAL 9000 was spot on.

Meet Dave

Hi, my name is Dave.  I am the IT guy at the Banned Library.  These are the things I can't do anymore to either the computers, the patrons, the library staff, or the library in general.  Enjoy!